Going VERY personal and VERY real, so it’s going to be a little long. Sometimes I just FEEL things need to get out. Surprisingly, THIS one wasn’t instigated by a bottle of wine!
Have You ever VERY suddenly been completely blindsided by a REALLY BIG Ah HA moment?
I have always tried to live a full life, not just taken the straight and narrow path but also tried to consciously experience the full breadth of my journey as well. You’re going to hear my broken record again, but I refuse to look back upon my life and have to say, OH I WISH I HAD…..
This attitude has created a [COUGH COUGH] teeny, tiny pile of Uh oh’s behind me FOR SURE! But that’s EXACTLY the point! The point of life isn’t to look behind you on the daily! Life is about experiencing the here and now. BE PRESENT. NOBODY has a tomorrow that is promised or guaranteed.
One day I found myself thinking HOW did I get HERE?? THIS isn’t where I want to be and THIS SURELY isn’t what I want. So that day I made myself a promise, right on the Huntington Beach Pier. I would stay in a constant state of mental awareness – awareness of where I was, who I was and what I was doing.
I would continually check myself in the mirror to make sure I wasn’t living my life in a rut. That I would never just hit the alarm, work, head home, eat, go to bed and repeat. I would try to remain focused on creating the life I wanted.
There were short spells, and longer stretches, where I didn’t much look in that mirror on the daily. Without fail, EVERY time I lost sight of that mirror, I lost sight of either who I am or what I was.
Fast forward to a few years ago, I caught a nearly disastrous mistake at LITERALLY the last possible second – think someone realizing that being a bride in 12 days is a really bad idea kind of thing <insert a VERY VERY guilty side eye emoji>. This triggered something that I thought I needed to prove to myself. Something that had haunted me for a while.
I decided to pull up stakes once again. It’s part of that daily accountability.
My kids were NOT silent about this. They all tried VALIANTLY to change my mind. They gave BOATLOADS of VERY valid, VERY accurate reasons why this SEEMED to be a bad idea. But I have this small problem…. I have never much been one to experience my life simply by being TOLD what to do or how to do it. What someone ELSE THINKS is good for me, is not necessarily what I think or what I want. And isn’t it MY life to live??
I moved back home and started living the life that I had missed since I left; the life I thought I wanted. No more driving 4.5 – 5 hours back home to the waterfront EVERY Friday after work. No more getting up at 2AM EVERY Monday to drive straight into the office before putting in a full day of work.
I spent every day out on the back deck looking across the bay. I walked down to the end of the dock whenever the mood hit me. I fished crab pots. I counted jellyfish and skate. I watched schools of peanut bunker. Sometimes I just walked down to enjoy and savor the moment, to smell my salt air. I took HUNDREDS of pictures. THE ONE time I DIDN’T take my camera…. Was the one time I fished a TWO live SeaHorses, a puffer fish, a croaker AND a baby flounder ALL IN ONE DAY. Note to self: ALWAYS have at least the phone in hand!
I threw myself into my little experiment. I stepped outside my lifelong comfort zone and approached it head on. I could never say the direct approach was wrong. Tackling it was the way to go. Unfortunately, my unusual style of communication got in the way and, as usual, there were major disconnects. Another Uh-oh behind me?? …. Uh… THAT would be a MAJOR understatement.
The experiment imploded with a shattering reminiscent of a cartoon’s test tube explosion in the chem lab. It was catastrophic. It was explosive and implosive at the same time. It was my single biggest fail to date. And BOY did I OVERthink it. I overthought it, then turned it upside down and overthought it again. I turned it inside out and overthought it some more. I sat out on the dock overnight just listening to and feeling the dark and decided just for good measure, it was REALLY time to think about this experiment again. I watched the Persids Meteor Shower and thought I needed to think about it, again and again… and you get the picture.
I had a lot of things on my plate right then and I was forgetting the first promise I had made to myself. I was focusing on the second promise that I had made a little later on, which was NEVER settle. NEVER settle in my life and always go for the Dream. No matter what the Dream level was, NEVER EVER settle. Aim for the stars. But I was forgetting something. I had completely, utterly and TOTALLY lost sight of myself in the mirror.
Before I realized it, quietly and slowly, the explosive chem lab experiment literally started to affect my daily life. Because I was forgetting to look in that mirror. I slid into weeks, months, then literally two and a half more years of living this bizarre juxtaposition of relaxing and enjoying every moment in the environment that I THOUGHT I needed, but totally 100% just going through the motions of a life. I woke up, got to work, had dinner, went to bed and hit repeat. I forgot to stay on top of WHO I was and WHAT I am.
I still lived the outside life. I still went fishing EVERY weekend but I still didn’t yet realize the impact of the implosion. I knew I needed to shake it off but I just couldn’t figure out how to. If you’ve been following me on the ‘Gram while I work on building my website on the side, you’ll know that I was sitting out back one day this past summer and very unlike me, I answered an Unknown call.
My view every day. How could this possibly NOT be perfect ??
That Unknown call was something that I had actively and diligently pursued for over 10 years. I had accepted that My Plan was not God’s Plan and that for some reason I was simply not meant to do what I wanted. It took me a long while to truly accept in my heart that I just had to let go of that Dream. This Dream was something that was totally out of my control, and there was nothing further I could do to make it happen. For whatever unknown reason, this was just not meant to be.
That’s the hard part for me, letting go. I can generally ACCEPT that what I am thinking just isn’t in God’s Plan for me, but I STRUGGLE IMMENSELY to let it go. These things are so intense and deep for me and I just struggle.
I answer the Unknown call and I am blown away. Here was my Dream opportunity, being handed to me on a Golden Platter. ALWAYS TRUST THAT GOD HAS A BETTER PLAN THAN YOU COULD EVER DREAM UP!! Not only was it my dream, but it was my Dream Opp times a million. WAY better than I could have ever imagined and way more possibility, opportunity, exposure and networking than EVER crossed my mind.
There were some hoops to jump through, a few changes and tweaks to the Opportunity/Adventure and then Good Ol’ Corona delayed things by another 4 weeks. As I sit here and write this, I am less than 24 hours away from starting the Adventure’s journey.
But EVEN THAT isn’t the point of this lengthy, bore you to death and put you to sleep post. When I got to the first pre-adventure stage, I could not even describe the intensity and the depth of what I was feeling to finally be here. I told close friends and family that I have NEVER been this ecstatic in my entire life. Life could not POSSIBLY be any better.
God had yet again, OTHER Plans for me. My third morning here, I woke up and RIGHT OFF I noticed a small event. Think SMALL EVENT like you’re standing on a polar ice shelf… you see a small crack open up then a piece cleaves off. While you are standing there, staring up in amazing wonderment, you look down, then realize that YOU are standing on the part that is floating away… yeah THAT KIND of small event.
I noticed something that I hadn’t noticed in a very long time. To say that I was INTRIGUED by my awareness, would be doing a GREAT disservice to the concept of UNDERSTATEMENT. I pondered the event and I duly filed it inside this strangely wired brain. I spent the day relaxing, sitting outside, reading and writing. Naturally this made its way VOLUMINOUSLY into my musings on paper. That is, when I maintained focus and didn’t just set the pen down and watch the clouds.
SOME times you just know you are FINALLY in the right place at the right time…
The next day, I got a text from back home. A totally UNrelated question from someone that didn’t even know I was beginning this new Adventure. This sparked a slow, smoldering thought that would NOT give up. And when this ember started to glow, I allowed it to burst into flames and run wild. I sat outside, in the twilight, in complete and utter amazement.
I sat there LATE into the night, probably being eaten alive by gnats, mosquitos and flies of all biting varieties. I didn’t know, I didn’t care. I was NOT paying attention. I had BIGGER fish to fry, much bigger thoughts to corral in this brain.
I spent hours the next morning scribbling and even more hours just staring off and grinning like a nut behind my sunglasses. PS – I EVEN took a Selfie that morning while sitting there scribbling behind my shades! I just FELT that I HAD to capture me right then and there. That snap is currently my profile pic on WhatsApp!
There was no denying it, only embracing. This SMALL EVENT had completely set me free. I had been completely unaware of the sheer weight that had been burdening me. But when it was gone, OH BOY was I very much aware!
To say I had an Ah HA! Moment does NOT do it justice. It’s still too new and too fresh for me to be able to articulate it even though I’ve filled pages upon pages with my writings. In that moment of realization, EVERYTHING clicked. That SMALL EVENT gave me a Priceless Gift.
Everything I had tried over the years didn’t work, but God had His Plan. I have NEVER been more aware of the depth of freedom that I truly have.
I am just now getting ready to start my original Adventure journey and I already know one thing. When I get back from this, it is time for me to Level UP. I have no idea yet where I’m going, what I’m doing or when I’m going wherever, but I KNOW I am BACK to chasing a lifetime of Adventures. I will NEVER FORGET TO CHECK MYSELF AGAIN!
I have no idea if I’ll be starting this next phase heading towards the Coastal Southeast, or if more likely I’ll return back to the Land of Opportunity – Northern Virginia. I just know that I’m IMMENSELY BORED and in need of some serious challenges with a healthy dose of Adventure thrown in .
As I start this next Adventure, I will be getting the blog fully up and running so you can follow along with my decision making process. THAT will be entertaining if nothing else, LOL!
Have you ever had an Ah HA! Moment so vivid that it stunned you? Was it soo clear and obvious that you literally FELT the freedom that can bring? PLEASE SHARE! I am late to this game and I want to know how others knew and what they felt when they realized. If you’ve already written your post on your blog, please tag me so I can follow. THANK YOU! And thank you for bearing with my ramblings on something that I just needed to get out.
#levelup #grandadventures #chaseyourdreams